This year, I really tried. I tried to control everything—my sleep cycles, my thoughts, my emotions. I worked hard to keep myself in check, to not slip into that old loop again. But in the end, I still made the same mistake. I told her how I felt. Again. Like a fool.
She didn’t take it seriously, just like every other time. She laughed it off, brushed it aside like it was nothing. Maybe to her, it really was nothing—just another moment to joke about. But to me, it was everything. I don’t know why I did it. Maybe because, in that moment, I was at my lowest. I wasn’t thinking straight. I just let it all out, no hesitation. And once again, I ended up proving to myself that, in her eyes, I’m just a joke.
After that, everything changed. She started avoiding me completely. No replies, no returned calls—just silence. And that’s when reality hit me. This is exactly why I stopped telling her how I feel. This is why I stopped trying to force her to talk to me. Because deep down, I already knew how it would end.
This thing between us, whatever it is, was never meant to be. I’ve accepted that. But still, some part of me refuses to let go. Sometimes, it feels like I was made for her, even if she was never meant for me. Like I exist in her life, not as someone important, but just as something that lingers in the background. A familiar presence, always there, always watching. Not a stranger, but not someone that truly matters either. Just stuck in between, waiting for something that will never come.
To escape all of this, I turned to gaming. At first, it was just a distraction, something to keep my mind busy. But over time, it became more than that. It started working like anesthesia—numbing everything for a while, making me forget, even if just for a few hours. Now, it’s not just a way to escape; it’s an addiction. The only thing that helps me not think about her.